Together
by Jessiy Landroz
Summary: It's hard to be strong while watching your loved ones fall apart... Raph centric [One Shot]


Like usual, we had a fight.

I stormed out of the lair, but this time, I didn't go to the surface.

It hurt too much to go out, I don't think I'm brave enough to go anywhere right now.

I released a heavy breath, sucking in the cold, damp air; my lungs ached, it's been so long since I've let myself cry, and my eyes feel dry and pained. I reach up my fist to rub the remaining tears away, and then used my mask to wipe the wetness from my cheeks. My mask was off, it just made my tear mist my eyes, it had to be taken off, if I wanted to see where I was going.

It's been so long, I hate it.

I released a breath and forced myself to calm down.

I hate meditating, but right now, it's my only salvation from the pain.

I sat down on the old, battered and dirty mat, positioned my legs, straightened my back, leveled my breath, desperately tried to clear my mind, and then closed my eyes. I tried to ease the tight furrow between my brows; it was just so irritating thinking about it. I lifted my eyelids open just a little, gazing across the shambled room, the place that was our home for a good fifteen years, and sighed.

It all looked like it had been only yesterday, when Baxter's robotic rats munched through the walls. It felt like only hours ago, Leo and I came back to pick up whatever we could find. I looked away to an old drainage tunnel, where our bedrooms were, and smiled. Right now, I'm sitting at the old dojo, on Splinter's usual meditating spot.

I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I think I was so driven to try and relax, I actually pulled I off, for I heard nothing but peaceful silence, barely disturbed with the usual ripping of water, scurry of rats, or the creeping of bugs. I ignored the bugs; I knew they can't harm me, ugly little critters, ugh… anyway, I relaxed in my humble little dry spot.

I relaxed with the silence, and for the first time in my life, I welcomed it. It was so peaceful, nothing to bug me, err, no, not bugs again, I mean, distract me. I sighed softly and listened to the beating of my heart, it was the only thing I focused on. Rhythmically beating, like a lulling song. For what felt like hours, I just sat there, listening to the casual drip-drip, and thump of my heart.

My mind had plans of it's own, though.

'_C'mon Raph!__ You scared!_'

'_Aw shut it, Leo!_'

'_Why?_'

'_Because I said so!_'

'_Oh yeah?_'

'_Yeah!_'

'_Wah_'

I chuckled. I could see it in the back of my mind, me and Leo in our first, real fist fight, tackling each other to the floor, and man was Splinter ticked off! Mikey ducking behind Donny's table, and all his game cards scattered when Leo and I flipped the table over, spilling Sensei's tea, staining his robe, the kittle fell with a loud clatter, Mikey screamed like a girl, nothing new about that, while Don just shuffled away from us.

Sensei was so ticked off! Leo and I were sent to do flips all day, till we couldn't even stand up straight, we were too dizzy. Mikey joined us at start, and kept doing summersaults and back flips just to waste time, though he weren't punished, he said it'll be fun to see who would last longer. He made it a competition, to distract us, Leo and me, from glaring at each other, I guess.

Of course Leo and I ended up in a tie, we both collapsed at the last one, we couldn't even get up anymore.

Leo and I, we're so much alike, yet so different.

Sensei had always been disappointed at me, and I don't blame him, I'm an irresponsible, hotheaded, or more like block-headed, incoherent son! I'm always causing or getting into trouble, either it be hitting Mikey, fighting with Leo, or just plain ticking Sensei off, and he'd rap me with his walking stick. Leo's his favorite anyway; I'm a man enough to admit it; not out loud, just to myself.

I love Sensei, don't get me wrong, I'm more than willing to risk my life for him or any of my brothers, and I don't care if he doesn't feel the same towards me, and I know he loves me, even if he doesn't give me any solid proof that he does. I still have my brothers, especially Mikey, and there are also April and Casey. Just cause my father probably thinks I'm an unworthy son…

No, Sensei isn't like that! I know he tries to be fair, but he fails to see that it's harder than it looks! I should know! When I try to be fair to Mikey, when he's ticking me off, it's always hard, because I know he's doing it for fun, or for stress relief, or just trying to make me crack a smile, but sometimes I'm just too angry to see it, and I end up hurting him, and that's when Leo start b!tchin' up my shell, and we end up fighting.

Don? Yeah, we have our quality times, and most of the time, I'm the one trying to bond with him, because he's mostly too preoccupied with other things.

He makes me feel like an idiot, or a snoopy burden when he doesn't respond, and I always end up having a one-sided conversation. He usually gives me the silent treatment, mostly after I end up breaking something while chasing Mikey, and, well, it's like, whatever it is he's working on, has the priority of his attention, while I'm just there to distract him, as if I'm worse than Mikey or something.

Worse than Mike? Gee, I don't even know if that's supposed to be an insult or a complement…

Although I spend twice the time with Mikey than the time with Leo, which means I barely spend any time with Don at all. I really wanna get together with him, he's smart in electronics, and I'm good in mechanics, most of the time we're working on our vehicles, and we're always silent, I don't say anything, and he never tries to start a conversation, not until Mikey arrives, do we actually start yapping.

Sometimes, Mike just doesn't know when to quit, too.

I sighed again, I barely heard it myself. My ears could pick up the faintest sounds, mostly my memories flooding into my head. I hear voices, chortles of laughter, giggling and yelling, sounds and smells from our youth. Right here, in this spot, I remember the times we'd play with an old, ragged old ball Sensei sew for us, it was mostly Mikey's really, but we all played with it.

Sadly, it didn't survive when the roof fell.

I remember when we, Leo and I, returned to the lair after the mousers did their deed, and I just had to harbor so many things, so many thoughts, I guess they just kept swelling in my chest every time I remembered. Right here in the dojo, Leo and I would spar, while far away at the small TV, Mikey would grab a fistful of popcorn, shove it in his mouth and watch cartoons; and on the far Right, a small desk, where Don would tinker with his new gizmos.

To hear our own fading laughter, it was like music to my ears, it was so pure, innocent. Look at us now! Don and I are the ones who had mostly drifted apart, and slowly, Mikey is trying his best to stay intact with the whole thing, while Leo tries his best to just ignore it. I know everything will come to an end at some point, but I do know that there are things that never end.

Just sitting here, meditating, never did I think it'll make me feel to lightheaded.

All the childhood memories flooded my mind.

In the deepest depth of my mind, I see us still together, a family! Don would come out to play when we ask him, and Leo isn't always being a nasty stick in the mud, Mikey isn't always annoying, just not so bad as he is right now, know what I mean? … Me? I don't know, I don't remember how I was like when I was younger, I do remember the times I spar with Leo, the laughing and fun times with Mikey, and the mild conversations with Don.

But Sensei?

I don't know, I feel like I just don't know him anymore.

I feel like every time he looks at me, all he sees is a hotheaded, idiotic and irrational failure, I don't think I'm even qualified to be his son, much less the leader! I knew it, deep down inside Leo was gonna be the leader, but I was half relived, half stabbed in the gut when Sensei said I'll be second in command. I always figured Don would be second in command, I dunno why.

There was the faintest disturbance, and I furrowed.

Someone was there, and it was no rat nor roach.

"Wha'dya want?" I muttered with my eyes still closed.

"I, uh…" Mikey's voice reached my ears, "You okay, Raphie?"

I inhaled deeply, calming myself, and then slowly my eyelids opened to meet his gaze.

None of them actually call me Raphie unless they're scared or frantically worried.

I remember when Leo got ambushed by the Foot, and I was told to fend their backs, at the stairs, while Sensei and April carried Leo down the steps, and Mikey with Don secured the exit. Mikey, naturally calls me Raphie most of the time, but hearing Donny call me Raphie had me worried, since they never use that title unless they're really scared.

Well those Elite ninja _did_ have nice Sakkats for hats…

I looked at him, Mikey was standing at the rubble of where the entrance was.

"I figured I might find you here." He smiled sheepishly.

I closed my eyes and went back to my meditation, completely ignoring him.

Obviously, that didn't phase him, "You're not the only one hurt, Raph." He spoke softly, and I hear his feet shuffle on the floor, "We're all gonna miss him."

I ignored the painful tug in my heart, I squeezed my eyes shut, "It's been weeks Mikey, let it go." I grumbled.

My voice will crack if I said anything else, I knew that much for sure, so I decided to just shut up and wait him out, until I either crumble into an emotional heap, or he leaves. Of course, this is Mikey we're talking about, so naturally, it'll be the first option, mainly because I have no patience. Mikey of course, being the loving, sentimental, yet obnoxious brother that he is, decided to distract me from my well-needed meditation.

I opened my eyes, shot wide open when he latched on to me, his arms around my neck, hugging me fiercely. And in reflex, I found myself wrapping my arms around him, too. I tried to calm my startled heartbeats, only to realize that my cheeks were wet. When did they start? Why didn't I notice them before now? Was I so distracted that I never realized that?

"I'm gonna miss Sensei too, Raph. We all have the right to be sad, to need some time alone!" He sobbed on my shoulder, burying his face in my neck, his hug tightened, "But I don't wanna see us fall apart! Not like this!"

I sighed, I didn't have the heart to say anything, but I think the shake in my body spoke for itself.

"You think he's watching over us? That he's still out there somewhere?" he murmured, now half easing into my lap.

I held him tight, "I dunno, Mikey…"

"Like a guardian angle!" he said, I could feel him smile, "Yeah! He's out there, looking out for us…" he halfheartedly cheered, but I could still feel his tears sliding down my shoulder.

The ache in my arms hurt just a little too much, I tightened my grip around him.

Master Splinter passed away, all too suddenly. One minute we were having a sparring session, then suddenly he collapsed. Heart attack, Donny called it, but never got the chance to do anything, Master Splinter just died, body hardening, turning cold, right there in Donny's arms. Once his death was affirmed, we contacted Casey and April, we got to the farm and he was cremated, and Leo scattered his ashes at Casey's farm.

We stayed there for a week, Casey, Mikey and I tried to make some noise, any noise, just for the sake of feeling alive, while April and Leo took care of catatonic Donny. It was a sad sight, really. We just came home a few days ago, and my body shook when I stepped into the lair. It just hurt too much, I couldn't stay there, I had to loosen up somewhere.

I found my feet guiding me here, to our old lair, and I was defeated by my emotions.

I cried, I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

All my life, I'd been a failure to Splinter, and now, though Shredder is gone, I never got the chance to show him I'm a worthy son, he died before I proved myself to him. He died, right in Donny's arms, poor Don never snapped out of it, even now, Sensei's death shook him the worst, though he rarely showed it, Sensei had always been his mental support, while the three of us were his physical support.

Donny told me about the Triseratons, and how he felt Sensei's presence when their leader tried to squeeze out information from him. It amazed me how Sensei was capable of doing these things, but Donny asked me not to tell anyone about it, he said as real as it was, it still feels a bit illogical, so he wants enough time to ponder over it before consulting Leo and Mikey.

He never got the chance.

Donny went catatonic ever since Sensei died, right there in his arms, and neither Leo or me were able to do him much help.

The stress was killing me, and I left the lair twice, first when we returned from the farm, and this is the second. The first time, I was gone for a whole day, no one seemed to care. The next few days went silently, eventless, even April and Casey never dared to visit, they probably figured we needed time for ourselves. This time, I guess Mikey followed me, because I can tell he probably feels as lonely as I am.

"How'd you find me?" I whispered, barely audible, with us still entrapped in an embrace.

He sniffled and settled next to me, half hugging, while rubbing tears from his eyes.

I just settled him down more comfortably next to me on the dry mat.

It took him a moment before he tugged off his mask, letting it collar his neck, I think his tears were misting his eyes, too. He smiled at me faintly, before his eyes wondered around, as he scanned the old, battered and empty, dirty room, "You always loved our old home, even after we moved out."

I nodded, rubbing his shoulder for comfort. Mikey had always been the one who knows me best.

He sniffled, faintly with a smile, "You sometimes come here when you fight with Leo, and aren't in a condition to go topside." He exhaled.

"Gee, am I that easy to read?" I muttered, somewhat scoffing. Moving my hands from his side, I suddenly felt like clobbering something, but restrained myself from doing so; throwing a tantrum here is wrong.

Mikey sniffled and snuggled into me, and I could tell he just wanted some company.

To feel our body heat warming the space between us, it actually felt kinda nice. I smiled and nuzzled his head, Mikey just let out a small huffed laugh and snuggled into me. I smiled, it was nice to feel compassion, although it usually dislike it, but I guess right now, it's all I want, all I need. With my body easing down, no longer shaking, my heart no longer throbbing painfully in my chest, I decided to speak.

"We ought to go back." I murmured.

Mikey latched on to me, "Raphie, cant we stay just a little longer?" he softly whined, not childishly, but uneasily in a sad tone, "I don't wanna go back, not when Leo is so ticked off about you leaving, and when Donny's like a zombie."

I hugged him, "Mikey, we need to go back, Leo cant look after Donny on his own, and Donny isn't gonna snap out of it on his own, either." I explained, "If you don't want us to drift apart, then we have to pull ourselves together, and I think I've done enough damage by running away, no once, but twice!" I muttered, angry at myself.

"But I don't wanna go back!" he whined, clutching harder to me, he buried his face in my neck, "It's like a ghost town in there!"

I hugged him as lovingly as I could, "It's my fault, if I hadn't been a cowered and run off the first time, you wouldn't have followed me, I made things worse." I sighed.

"No it's not!" he whimpered, breaking into tears again, "It's no one's fault! It was all just too sudden, things shouldn't have gone the way they did!"

"Mikey, listen I-?"

"No!" he cried, then tore himself from my arms, his eyes still stained, but they had a strong, angry spark.

I stared, Mikey's eyes stared right through me, penetrating my walls.

"It's no one's fault Raph, don't you dare take the blame! Or else I'm gonna beat you up, you hear me?" he snapped.

I don't know why, but at the display of sudden strength and authority, the corner of my mouth arched, I grinned. In reply, Mikey grinned as well, and before I knew it, we were both collapsing on the floor, laughing our heads off. We laughed so hard my sides grew sore, and I just couldn't breathe! I had to fight it, to compose myself, and Mikey's childish laughter wasn't helping.

I knew he was trying to be tough, but I gotta admit it was pretty damn cute on him, especially with that innocent twinkle in his eyes.

That thought made my laugher add up, and tears of laughter stained my cheeks, my heart was throbbing, not painfully, but heartwarming, it actually felt great! I staggered for a breath, and Mikey was yammering something through his laughter, something about a dear in headlights, and I had to slap his shoulder, not angry, just playfully, hoping to shut him up.

"You should have seen the look on your face!" Mike chortled breathlessly.

I gasped for breath; oddly feeling refreshed after all that laughter, "Oh Geepers Mike! You's trying to kill me?"

"As if I could!" He slowed down to a chuckle and rubbed the tears from his eyes, still allowing a chuckle or a giggle to seep through his lips every few seconds, "Ah, gees, I'm getting dizzy." He laughed.

I chuckled, he wasn't the only one.

Silence stretched, but it didn't feel unwelcome, it felt pleasant.

I just sat there, rubbing whatever tears were left, while Mikey's laughter died down. We eyed each other with silence gratitude, we had each other, and that's all I need to know. It took me a few seconds to register what we just did, and slowly, I started feeling bad about it. I mean, we're here, laughing our heads off, while poor Leo has to look after the living dead, also known as Donny.

"We ought to go back." I repeated my earlier statement.

"Yeah." Mikey murmured, this time, more cooperatively.

I got up and extended a hand to him, he accepted it.

Now standing next to each other, we shared a small smile.

I knew we had to go back and face Leo, he'd been awfully stressed and snappy ever since Sensei died, and I can't blame him. Leo thinks we've strained Sensei, or he did anyway, he thought that he'd put way too much attention into learning ninjutsu to protect us, that he failed to see that Sensei might have been too old to be up to train him, because Sensei easily got sick.

Just as I blame myself for being a worthless son, Leo blames himself for being the cause of Sensei's passing.

We left the old lair rather quietly; neither Mike nor I said anything. We stopped at the entrance/exit, bowed and silently said our farewell. Our silent footsteps shuffled through the cold, empty, damp sewer tunnels, as I led Mikey back home. The old lair is a good hour-and-a-half walk from our new home, and a few more minutes worth or walking, farther than Leather Head's home.

Oh yeah, I don't think Leather head knows about Splinter, right? Gees, I'd hate to be the one to break up the news for him.

Although we no longer live at the old lair, those walls still contain our childhood memories, the melodies and pains of growing up, as Don used to say. I still hate going back to the new lair, because sometimes, it just feels too foreign to me. Although roomer and better developed than our old lair, I feel like a complete stranger there.

"Raphie?" Mike spoke timidly, squeezing my hand a bit, and only then did I realize I was still holding his hand, "You think Donny's gonna be alright?"

I sighed, "He took a nasty blow, Mikey. I don't know." I began, debating with myself over Donny's mental state, "What I do know, he's gonna need all three of us to pull him out of it. Sensei might be gone, but he's still got us three."

Mikey nodded, took a few seconds then spoke again, "You think Leo's angry at us?"

"Ain't he always…" I smiled.

Mikey chuckled, "So true…"

I don't know how we're supposed to pull this through, but I do know Donny really needs us right now. We have to stick together, brothers and warriors, but beyond that, we're brotherhood friends through thick and thin! We never abandon each other, we will sacrifice ourselves to protect our small selves, and the world can shun us all it wants!

I won't care! Not anymore!

That's all I could do, as sad as it was, that's all I could think of, all I can offer.

Xxxxxxxxxx

**-End?-**

Xxxxxxxxxx

A/N: I dunno… I hate the ending, yet this is all I could think of right now…


End file.
